You’ve just come back from holiday. The plane landed at 7:03pm — it took nearly four hours to get home (thank you, M25 roadworks).
The kids finally stopped arguing about who touched whose armrest at 11:20pm. By the time you’d unpacked just enough to find clean pyjamas, it was well past midnight.
It feels like you barely shut your eyes when — buzz buzz. 3:12am. It’s your boss.
You answer like someone still mentally halfway through airport security.
“Sorry to wake you so early — Ofsted’s in at Grimblethorpe Secondary this morning — have the fire door actions been completed yet?"
You pause. Blank. Then reality hits: I have no idea.
What’s The 3:00am Test? It’s not about being superhuman. And no — you shouldn't be working at 3:00am. But when crunch-time questions land the morning of Ofsted, someone usually turns to the site team and says:
“You’ll know this, right?”
Let’s walk through how that could go…
“Why? What’s wrong with them?” A classic. Sets the tone.
🟩 “Yep — all done on Thursday. Logged, signed off, and showing green on the dashboard.” 10/10 – Not only are you prepared, but you’re genuinely impressed with yourself.
🟨 “They should be. Dave said he’d finish them off before the break. I’ll check the log first thing.” 6/10 – Could go either way. Depends on Dave. And his handwriting.
🟥 “I mean, they definitely close. That counts for something, right?” 3/10 – It does not. But we admire the optimism.
“Assuming the pipes haven’t developed new symptoms over the break… yes?”
🟩 “Yes — flushing done, temps logged, last entry updated on the system and tracked.” 10/10 – Basically textbook.
🟨 “It’s all in the logbook. Somewhere. Probably.” 5/10 – Logbook-based faith is still faith.
🟥 “I ran the taps before I left. Personally. Thoroughly.” 2/10 – Counts for hydration. Not compliance.
“Do you want the one that’s signed off, or the one I made notes on after the bin fire?”
🟩 “Yep — updated after the new block opened, uploaded, and ready to attach.” 10/10 – You legend.
🟨 “We’ve got one from spring. I’ll check if it mentions the new classroom.” 6/10 – Pretty close, but there’s a highlighter and a printer in your immediate future.
🟥 “I think the last one got emailed to me by… someone.” 3/10 – In the cloud, possibly. Or in the abyss.
“They were last week… I think…”
🟩 “Yep — checked last week, all signed off, and showing completed and authorised on the dashboard. It’s green for the site.” 10/10 – You are the gatekeeper.
🟨 “The latch is still temperamental, but we’ve got a broom we use for extra leverage.” 5/10 – Effective. Unorthodox.
🟥 “If someone we don’t recognise walks in, we stare at them until they feel uncomfortable.” 2/10 – Traditional. Not inspector-friendly.
“It should be — unless the ceiling in the old staffroom finally gave up…”
🟩 “Yes — reviewed after the last works, clearly marked, signed off, and green in the system.” 10/10 – That’s the dream: visible, current, and nowhere near a mystery cupboard.
🟨 “Pretty sure the caretaker has a copy. Or at least had one, before the cupboard leak.” 5/10 – You’ve got half a register and a damp patch. Not ideal.
🟥 “Don’t worry, we just avoid that part of the building entirely.” 1/10 – Creative strategy. Illegal, but creative.
It’s also about knowing where to look — or knowing that your processes guarantee it's been done (because otherwise, you’d have been alerted).
And being able to show:
Because when the question comes — and it will — “I think so” just doesn’t hit the same as “It’s here, I’ve got it.”
You’re not expected to have everything memorised. You’re expected to have things under control.
And if your first answer is:
“I’ll just check on my phone — it’s all green on the dashboard,” …then you’re doing alright.
If your first answer is:
“I think Dave…” …then fair enough — but maybe it’s time to make life a bit easier.
Especially if you’ve just got off a plane.
No judgement — but it might be a good time to take stock.
Do a quick audit of how things actually work day-to-day — not just when you’ve got breathing room. And if you find the system relies heavily on Dave’s memory, spreadsheets, or a platform that is just too basic, it might be time to consider proper compliance and premises software.
Statlog - The complete solution for premises management — trusted by schools and trusts that want to sleep easy at 3:00am.